Bar Girl Treasure Hunt is an entirely new game show format where you’re the host, your bedroom is the studio and your favourite Thai bar girl is the sole contestant.

While the contestant is taking a shower, the host hides a small quantity of money somewhere in the studio before cueing-up a single track on his iPod – which must, of course, be equipped with the optional external speakers.

When she finally emerges from the bathroom, the contestant will be surprised and delighted to learn that she’s the star of Bar Girl Treasure Hunt and, to collect her cash prize, she must find it before the music stops. Suitable tracks include Looking For You (I Was) by Patti Smith or anything by The Seekers.

Failure means taking “the walk of shame” empty handed so, as the frantic contestant begins to panic, the smiling host should give her plenty of clues. After all, if she were to lose, the prank would backfire spectacularly.

Imagine…

[Opening sequence fades. Celebrity host, David Hasselhoff, is reclining on a heavily-soiled mattress wearing only a towel]

Hasselhoff: Good morning. You’re watching Bar Girl Treasure Hunt and here we have the first contestant. Isn’t she gorgeous? Contestant number one – what’s your name and where do you come from?

Nat: I name Nat… from Surin.

Hasselhoff: Famous for its elephants, I believe – but I’m not talking about you, of course, ha ha [grimaces to camera]. And what do you do for a living Khun Nat?

Nat: I’m a common street prostitute. I very cheap.

Hasselhoff: [Glances nervously towards stage manager who is vigorously drawing his forefinger across his throat] Ok. Let’s get on with the game…

Heckler from the stands: You are nothing without your robot car, NOTHING!

One of my mates hosted the real-life pilot episode last week and it got rave reviews. The contestant was literally shrieking with delight as she snatched her prize from underneath a copy of Thailand: The Rough Guide.

This challenges the widely-held belief that Thai bar girls never pick up a book.

Football teams have coaches, boxers have trainers, apprentices have tradesmen… There are some ladies who were born to it but they are a very rare breed. For the rest of them their practice is and probably always will be a quick snuffle around your cock in the dark while you, not wanting to hurt her feelings, moan encouragement and feign ecstasy from above. The reason the ladies don’t know they’re doing it wrong is that guys don’t tell them. Guys; get a backbone not a wishbone!

I have at times actually been so amazed (and even curious) as to what a girl has been doing down there that I have called time on proceedings. Guys just won’t tell you this but snorting around down there like a pig looking for truffles, lunging robotically on it and tugging at anything you can get your hands on just doesn’t cut it… That’s a precision instrument down there ladies; we may appear to throw them about carelessly however like a skilled swordsman we’ve had it in our hand and been practicing for years!

Picture a guy with a beautiful sports car; he will look at it, savour the moment, run his fingers smoothly over it’s body feeling every contour, every curve. He will open the door and rejoice in the click of the handle and the smell of leather. He will slide into the seat, wrap his hands around the wheel and soak up every moment of it. Ladies I am talking about a car; an inanimate object, if you don’t feel that way about a guy’s cock then you have no business being there! On the other hand guys; if your lady actually does want to dance but just doesn’t have the moves then tell her what they are!

To give you a measure of the poor quality of blow jobs I am lucky enough to have had in the high hundreds of partners but I can remember only an absolute maximum of 10 who gave really good head. That is a poor ratio. I remember some years past when I had to call time on some really bad head and told a girl that she should never do that ever again.

When she quizzed me as to why I told her; because she was just so bad at it! “But my other boyfriends said I was very good at it” And there it was; right there, I could see it clear as day. Her truffeling around in some guys boxers then popping up and asking with big puppy dog eyes “was it good baby?” and him the spineless wonder lavishing all sorts of praise on her in an emperors new clothes stylee. It wasn’t her fault she gave me a really bad blow job; it was his!

Now this revelation did bring the expected reaction of “I can’t believe you said that to me; I will never ever suck your cock again!” as she moved to the other side of the bed. However less than 20 seconds later she turned her head around and asked “so… am… what am I doing wrong?” Now with some practice and some coaching that girl could by the time we parted hold her own, she was never going to win cum dancing but top marks for effort. Can’t help thinking that her present beau owes me a beer for that one.

As a good friend of mine often says ‘You don’t get to be an expert in food if you eat in the same restaurant every night.’

Take the stunning hot girl to my left, what a cutie, everything in the right place and would you believe the bargain basement price for ‘long time’ (that would be all night and probably cook you breakfast in the morning and clean the dishes) of 50 euro??? Let’s look at exactly what we get for that 50 euro; hmmm, perfect skin, firm breasts, amazing figure, perfect teeth, hair, nails, nice high tight ass, polite, eager to please and a swinging 6 inch cock. Woah!!

Afraid so guys, when choosing an escort in Asia it pays to look very carefully before making that purchase. The 21st century ladyboy utilises plastic surgery to remove every possible vestige of their former masculinity including what had been a life preserver for the unsure traveller; the adams apple. Surgery now offers the option of ‘shaving’ the offending bastion of masculinity to further conceal a former life.

Still think you wouldn’t be fooled? Well as you exit stage right check out beach beauty and ladyboy number two. If you do get caught out just don’t tell your friends or they will ensure your theme song is forever “I kissed a boy and I liked it…”

It soon became apparent that this fine Asian lass was a mobile escort; as a strict rule I don’t barter with an escort, they earn their money and I don’t like to spoil the mood but I was tired, it was hot and I just wanted to go to my hotel room so I thought I’d have a little fun and barter with her, go in low and she would move on… Escort “20 dolla?” Wanderlust “10,” escort “no way honey!” Wanderlust “baby look at me; I handsome, you should meet me for free,” she came back with “15?” I shook my head to signal no. “You have room?” I signaled yes with a nod.

Then she did it; she bluffed the bluffer and kidded the kidder, “ok, get on,” she said as she motioned for me to get on the scooter. What could I do, what could I do? A fine Asian escort for $10, a princely 7 euro.. I was on the back of that scooter before you could say ‘leg over’. So Law (ironically her name) and I spent a pleasant afternoon together and as she went on her way I slipped into a deep sleep dreaming about a steak and a cool beer from the little French place around the corner, French cuisine is a remnant of colonial days in Laos…

One good nap, one medium rare steak and three cool beers later I was strolling back to my hotel that night. All in all it had been a good day and slipping into some Egyptian cotton sounded just the ticket. I could see my hotel a mere 30 metres away when out of the night comes a black scooter carrying two girls in matching black helmets with dark visors, black party dresses and high heels; they looked tremendous!

They were like something from a 007 movie; two evil henchwomen out on a hit! I watched them pass, then U turn and pull up beside me. “Hi” said the passenger. I soon got the message that the passenger was another mobile escort but I had done my bit for the day, nice afternoon, couple of beers and I was ready for a well earned sleep.

Then after a minute of flirting for the sake of flirting, it happened again, she blindsided me. “Ok 50,000 kip.” she said and before my brain could begin to convert that to its equivalent (4.37 euro) she said it; “EACH!” Oh baby… I flipped up the drivers visor, checked her grille and nodded my approval. What could I do, what could I do? I am mere mortal flesh. She gestured for me to get on the scooter, “where your hotel?” she asked.

At this point I could have pointed at the sign spitting distance ahead but sometimes you just got to wear your underpants outside your trousers Superman style. “I’ll show you” I said as I slipped in between them on the scooter. Now I’m in the middle of these two hot Asian chicks and anyone who sees this will know exactly what’s happening, so I did what any red blooded male would do, I slipped on my shades and got them to drive a few miles around the capital as I showed off my bling. They both looked at me strangely when we arrived back at the hotel and said something in Laos that I am pretty sure translated to ‘crazy Western eigit’ but why not, I slipped them a few extra kip in the morning.

It instantly stirred something for me as the two slave girls sparred with each other. Practically naked except for their skimpy show armour, crouched low like two cats circling each other ready to strike… It never left me and was only emphasised by subsequent fight scenes; the crazy ball swinging schoolgirl Gogo Yubari from the crazy 88 and O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) in kill Bill, they all fanned the flames. I promised myself if the occasion arose I would be that decadent Roman!

Back to Prague, my search brought me to what was apparent as a ‘home’ for escorts, it was like many others I had passed except for one thing. Looking in through the open doorway, there in the hallway were two mannequins displaying skimpy sexy armour. Sure there was many a hot escort in sexy lingerie but my gaze was fixed on that armour.

I was straight in, took a seat and the available escorts did their usual catwalk. I chose two girls, one Czech one Russian; perhaps a little more Amazonian than my usual taste but tonight was different. I told the madam there was a special request and after a bout of giggling and Johnny foreigner babble the mannequins were relieved of their armour and all five of us; girls x2, armour x2 and yours truly proceeded upstairs.

Sometimes the reality is never as good as the fantasy but this time it was great! After some initial stage fright the girls really took to their part as I directed, vino in hand, from the four poster. Crouched low they circled each other then pounced! Shield on shield, sword on sword, it was amazing. I watched until I could take no more and had to step in as referee and send them both to the naughty place where Wanderlust was, of course, waiting… Damn that was some of the best money I ever spent on an escort… or two.